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Subgenius Cult Saves World!

Alien invasion was averted at the last minute on July 5th at just five minutes to seven o'clock in the morning when, despite conspiracy attempts to oppress their freedom of expression, a brave band of subgenius cultists deflected the approaching alien fleet.

Despite massive conspiracy attempts to derail the European Subgenius End Of The World Show Spectacular, the event went ahead with such force, power, slack, fun and indiscriminate saving of souls that the Church were able to avert world-ending alien intervention by unbending time and twisting reality.

The Show

As soon as the doors opened at 10pm on July the forth, Rev Sweetness McGee became the first paying member of the public to enter the hall of slack which had been created in the Rhythm Factory. On entering, he described the sensation of being lifted out from reality by the sheer number of Dobbs Heads smiling down at him from the walls. He was shocked, and delighted too, he claimed at the procession of subgenius iconography and video effects being projected behind the stage and onto the walls. The strange and marvellous tunes being played by Rev DJ Alchemist filled his brainpan with emotion, and so overcome, he headed straight for the bar.

Around 11pm, Rev Priest took to the stage to welcome the growing crowd. He explained that the conspiracy, in league with aliens from the planet X, intended to destroy this world in just eight hours. And that, in fact, they had already started, four hours ago, at 7am on the timezone of the international date line.

Aliens, he explained, had lined up along that line and were letting the earth spin under them, torturing and murdering all who passed underneath.

He explained that in Beijing, China, it was just two minutes until 7am, and that despite conspiracy attempts to suppress news of the destruction, the European Subgenius Church had managed to get a secure video connection to the city, where they could interview a subgenius representative about the oncoming storm.

The screens flickered, and an image of Rev Priest, subgenius representative in China, came to life. The two talked about conspiracy suppression of the news, rumours from further east, and their joy at being saved by "Bob" before, at exactly 7am Chinese time, the image went dead.

{Video to come}

By nearly Midnight, the den of slack was getting more and more full, and Rev Priest took to the stage once more. He made contact with a Rev Priest, representative from Thailand, who explained that the saved lady-boy hookers in his country were glad that the partners they were expecting to meet in a few seconds would not be virgins, but in fact alien love godesses, fully practised and trained in the sexual arts. Then once again, a city fell silent.

Rev Priest then explained that the Conspiracy, in attempting to shut down the proceedings, had infected Pope Mickey Finn with deadly killer swine flu, and that therefore he would be unable to travel to the venue. This did not stop his mission though! Rev Priest was possessed with the spirit of Pope Mickey Finn, and channelled the subgenius 101 rant which Mickey was to have delivered direct into the audience via the holy mechanism of reading a few last-minute scribbled notes.

Following this amazing spectacle, Frodo Freud took to the stage. They explained that one of their number had also been unable to make the gig, for the conspiracy had tempted him away to travel the world, but his spirit and soul remained with them, trapped in a miniature water feature at the front of the stage. They filled the still-growing audience will glee and pleasure, playing their slack-filled covers and self-penned masterpieces.

{Video to come}

Just before 1am, Rev Priest took to the stage once more. After exchanging words with the Indian Subgenius Minister, Rev Priest, he told how the next act, The Andi Christ, had been disappeared. Although he had seemed fit and well, intending to be present that morning, nothing had been heard from him since.

The church feared he'd been abducted, by the conspiracy or simply by the aliens, in another attempt to shut down the haven of slack in the slowly burning world.

The Rev Self Slayer replaced Andi Christ, delivering holy thoughts he had pondered while excremeditating earlier that day. A story of the history of the slime which makes up all human, and even subgenius, life.

After this, Fit and The Conniptions played a marvellous set of rhythm and blues tracks, Fitt accompanied by the slackful tones of a trumpet. Eventually, his bass player turned up too, having been delayed by the conspiracy in yet another lame attempt to stop the show. The rest of his band are still presumed MIA. Luckily, Milli Moonstone's drummer took up the sticks for the last few numbers.

{Video to come}

At 2am the room was even more full and Rev Priest talked to the subgenius minister in Afghanistan, a subgenius soldier stationed there by the name of Rev Priest. After this he delivered a marvellous gospel-backed rant about "Bob", and refusing to ever die for your beliefs. After mentioning that you could buy his book there that night, or indeed on his website at dalliance.net, he introduced the frankly awesome Milli Moonstone.

Looking stunning in shoes that made her taller than most in the room, she sang songs of love, and sex, and soon even those stood at the back were bouncing up and down dancing and loving her smiley melodic calls.

It seems she was so incredibly entertaining that the aliens paused in their destruction of the world to watch, giving the world a 10 minute respite from the slaughter until she finished her set.

{Video to come}

Which means it was almost 3:15am when an unsaved person known as "Mohamed Priest" was interviewed live through secure encrypted channels by Rev Priest from the stage. Mohamed wailed, cried, and begged that someone just get his thirty dollar administration fee to "Bob" to rescue him from his fate but, alas, with so little time only cash payments could be accepted so the room mourned as they watched poor Mohamed killed by alien death rays before the screen went to static.

Rev Priest pointed out that any unsaved in the audience were in the unique position of still having just under four hours to pay him, in cash, their last chance to avoid Mohamed's fate.

Next he told how Pope Black was to have been the next preacher, the famous subgenius pope of all Europe, but that the conspiracy had denied him access to the country, in yet another stubtle attempt to stop the show. Finally he introduced Rev Sweetness McGee, the first paying customer to walk through the door, who perfumed an inspiring sermon which built the crowd into a foaming froth of joy.

Next, dressed in leather and make-up, the six impressive Vrillion members rocked out making a wall of noise which washed away the remaining stress in the crowd.

{Video to come}

At exactly 3:50am, the conspiracy gave up on their subtle tactics, and directly demanded that the show be shut down within ten minutes. It seems that the Con's successful attempts to stop so many devoted members from attending this, the final party ever, were successful enough that the night should be closed for lack of attendence

Vrillion's set cut short, the hula dancers (who were still missing) to be denied their chance to dance to Rev DJ Tequila, who would also be denied his chance to shine.

Upon learning this the crowd did wail and gnash their teeth, distraught, they huddled together to form alternate plans.

The Hula Girls, who had been presumed abducted until this point, walk in as the conspiracy oppressors counted down the minutes, just five to go. They told tales of trains which the conspiracy forced to leave early, making the poor girls seek alternate methods of travel. They told of nightmarish adventures on the night bus, of being confused and lost in Aldgate, though were stoic when informed their travelling had been for naught.

Finally, Rev Priest closed the show, lamenting that they wouldn't be able to talk to the subgenius spy placed with the occupational military in Iraq, the sex-obsessed representative of the Greek Orthodox Subgenius Church, or indeed watch aliens destroy Paris leaving the UK standing alone in Europe. He cursed the conspiracy, and lead the saved and their companions in a protest, a walk-out, departing the building.

Many of those present fled, fearing a conspiracy crack-down, but a core of brave subgenius ministers drove and taxied through the town and reconvened at a holy place known only as "The Banging House" in order to preserve it's anonymity.

There, they encountered a holy parrot, possessed by the spirit of "Bob". They asked this parrot, Sammy, who the most important religious leader of all time was. With barely a pause the parrot confirmed clearly and loudly: "Boby!"

{Video to come}

Inspired by this, and denied their right to party through till the destruction of the world, the core European Subgenius Crew hatched a dastardly plot!

The whole subgenius gig had cost them dearly, and by god they were going to make the conspiracy PAY! They planned, plotted, and invented on the spot a new ancient traditional ritual. When performed correctly, at the very moment alien ships pass over head, this quiet, understated, and very tricky ritual both doesn't annoy the neighbours too much and also transfers the entire wealth of the conspiracy to the hands of the person performing the ceremony. The European Subgenius Church would steal back the money they lost thanks to the interference of the Conspiracy. And more importantly it would BANKRUPT THOSE BASTARDS WHO CARE ABOUT NOTHING BUT MONEY.

However, tragedy struck, and the ceremony was performed incorrectly. Unexpectedly, a signal was transmitted from the burning Dobbshead back in time twelve hours where it met the approaching alien fleet. The fleet appear to have taken this signal as word from "Bob" that in fact he has such a good scam going, and is having so much fun and slack despite the conspiracy, to spite the conspiracy, that they should postpone the invasion for another year to allow "Bob" to milk the suckers for more cash save yet more blessed subgenius souls.

The gathered subs were upset, but consoled themselves with their memories of a wonderful slack-filled night, and the knowledge that while they hadn't managed to be saved themselves, they had at least saved the entire world. They gave praise to "Bob" that they'd have at least another twelve months to recruit more members, to spread the world of "Bob" and to Repent, Quit Their Jobs and Slack Off.

{Video to come}

That Final Lineup In Full

Plus! Preaching from Pope Black(Refused admittance to country), Rev. Priest, Pope Mickey Finn (Struck down with killer swine-flu), The Andi Christ (Missing, presumed abducted), and visuals from Stickman

With thanks to last-minute stand-ins: Sweetness Mcgee, Rev Self Slayer and Hula Dancers (Missed bus, got lost, had adventures, arrived as the conspiracy shut down the gig)

At The Rhythm Factory, 16-18 Whitechapel Rd, E1 1EW - (Map).

The European Church is affiliated with The Global Subgenius Empire

Main Sermon Leaked

It seems someone was secretly filming the dress rehearsal of Rev Priest's sermon and has leaked the content to the internet.

They even tell everyone to spread it before we can censor the thing! The cheek! Please. I implore you. Don't spread this stuff at all! Not unless you actually believe that advance previews might help sell tickets or something crazy like that.

Whatever you do don't spread this URL around: http://bit.ly/F7KH6

If people got a hold of that URL it might mean that hundreds of people turn up at our show. Can you imagine that? Can you see that? Hundreds of people, all there to give money to "Bob!" just because you forward that video, now, to ten of your friends and ask them to do the same.

Final Warning

The European Church Of The Subgenius invited the public and the media to an official "Final Warning" at Hyde Park Corner on Saturday the 6th of June at 2pm.

Read Our Report.

Who Are The Church Of The Subgenius?

The Subgenius Church is the world first Industrial Religion, a rock n roll cult that offers the world's only religious money-back guarantee: Eternal Salvation Or Triple Your Money Back! Here you'll find some links to church publicity material:

The Official Church Website is massive, chaotic, and largely unnavigable.

The Pamphlet which started it all is imaginatively named Pamphlet Number One.

The Follow Up is imaginatively named Pamphlet Number Two.

The Official FAQ is called the Slaq.

The Church Of The Subgenius has a Wikipedia Entry.

Video Flyer

A live rendition of Rev Priest's "The Excuse", with a bonus extra chorus to promote the show.

Rev Priest's Book:

Rev Priest's book "Yes, the conspiracy really exists, and furthermore it's all YOUR FAULT" is available to buy or read online, or indeed to send to a friend, or even copy and sell if that's your gig. Whatever. Spread the word of "Bob".

Old Index

The pre-show index page, detailing the show as it was planned before conspiracy interference is Archived here


For more information, quotes, interviews, silliness, pictures, modeling oportunites, etc. contact Rev Priest at pre@dalliance.net